When people negatively impact us, we should let them know how they’ve affected us. If we don’t, we are often giving them power over us by dwelling on what happened. Cluing them in on how they impact us not only is a great release for us. It also gives them valuable feedback they likely won’t ever get otherwise.
I’m passionate about making people aware of how they impact other people. So, I’m giving you 3 phrases you can use to enlighten people about their impact. I’ve also included some examples of their application.
1. When you — I feel — and/or want to — .
This is a great generic template for sharing how someone’s effected you. It can also dovetail nicely into specifying what behavior you want instead and what consequences there will be if the person does not change. Be careful, though, to not blame the other person for your feelings. Just state what your feelings are instead of saying things like, “You make me angry.”
- “When you put down my ideas, I feel totally devalued and I just want to shut down and stop sharing.”
- “When you leave your stuff all around the house, I feel frustrated like we’re working against each other in keeping the house clean.”
2. You may not be aware, but you —- .
I love the grace behind this phrase. It does not imply any malice in the other person, but rather assumes they were simply unaware of the negative impact of their actions.
- “You may not be aware, but your voice really carries when you’re on the phone and we’re having a hard time not listening in on your conversation as we’re trying to enjoy our meal in the booth next to you.”
- “You may not be aware, but when you come late for your shift, I’m consequently late for a meeting I have right after work.”
3. CAN I give you some feedback?
This one is elegant in it’s simplicity. Basically, the person is likely to answer “Yes” and totally give you permission to share what’s on your mind. Nonetheless, give feedback that’s beneficial for causing positive change in later interactions.
- “Can I give you some feedback? That comment you just made was pretty hurtful.”
- “Can I give you some feedback?”
While you may have been trying to help by sharing when you went through something more difficult than what she’s experiencing now, It may have seemed like you were belittling her problem. Just a little affirmation that she’s going through a tough time would probably be more helpful.”
Feel free to practice using these phrases to let people know how they are impacting you and even the people around you. It may take time to get used to using this kind of language. I think you will like helping people see how they are effecting other people. Once they know about the impact they are having, they may very well want to choose something different next time.
After all, I believe that in general, most people hurt other people unintentionally. They lack awareness, so let’s help them become more aware.
