In my experience, I have various parts of my psyche all competing to run the day. As I observe people’s behavior, I think this is true of all of us. There is the Kid, the Ego, and the Spiritual Self. At any given time of the day, any one of these psyche modes might be running the show.
These psyche modes, of course, don’t describe the whole personality. We are far more complex that just these things. This just provides a certain model that explains some of our mental processes and behavior.
The Kid
The first psyche mode is the Kid. This part of you remembers when you were eight years old, and for example, your teacher ridiculed you in front of class. This Kid primarily needs to be safe, loved, and accepted. Sometimes people call this the Lizard Brain, or the Amygdala part of the brain.
When you are reacting out of fear or anger based on past experience, the Kid is in the driver’s seat. If you were asked to speak in public, and your insides where screaming, “No way!”, your Kid dug his/her heals in, throwing a tantrum to be safe. If you or someone you know ever flew off the handle, the Kid woke up and reacted, bam!
Though I call it the Kid, it can be very sophisticated. We all have a persona that we project. We work to appear like we’ve got it all together, or we make ourself as invisible as possible, or we are as friendly and likable as possible – all so we’ll be safe, loved, and accepted. When you go around with your “mask” on, your Kid is showing off.
The Ego
Sigmund Freud brought the term Ego to the mainstream. My use of the Ego term here isn’t that different. The Ego’s primary needs are autonomy, esteem, and a good self image.
We all want to feel good about ourselves. One of the drawbacks is we often justify our actions so we can feel good about ourself. Instead of changing our behavior to match what we value, we’ll justify our current behavior and say, “I’ve got it! I’m good.” This aspect of the Ego often gets in the way of significant change and self improvement. If you ever gave up on a goal because,”you didn’t really want it anyway,” or “you already had what you wanted,” your Ego woke up, took the driver’s seat, and justified inaction.
The Ego rejects advice from others simply because it didn’t come up with it. This is the Ego’s need for autonomy. When you compare yourself to others and are proud, that’s the Ego.
The Spiritual Self
If you don’t like the term ‘spiritual’ here, you can substitute ‘higher’ in it’s place. The Spiritual Self is the part of you that wants the highest good for everyone. This part of you wants connection, meaning, significance, and love. The Kid wants love too, but the Kid wants love from others. The Spiritual Self wants love for others that brings deeper connection with people.
When you gave selflessly and felt really good about it, that was your Spiritual Self in the driver’s seat.
If you believe in God, then you would understand that the Spiritual Self is the part of you that is connected to God. For the Christians or the curious about Christianity, this is your true self or soul that lives on after you physically die. For this reason, this part of you isn’t really a psyche mode in the same sense as the others, though I’ll refer to it that way for simplicity.
Dealing with These Guys
All these psyche modes are a part of you. It doesn’t help to label the Kid and the Ego as bad, and the Spiritual Self as good. It’s all you. Attempting to abandon or reject one or more of these psyche modes doesn’t work. They’re all important. We need to meet the needs of all of them.
We calm the Kid, by giving the Kid what it didn’t get when we were growing up. The Kid quiets down when when he/she feels loved, and valued. We might need to love on “our kid” regularly, maybe even daily. Otherwise if, for example, your calling is to be a messenger and speak an important message, your kid will dig his or her heals in every time you attempt to speak in public. He/she will say, “No! no! no! That’s not safe! I won’t go!”
We need to do similar things with the Ego. The Ego needs to be continually reminded that he or she is safe from an autonomy and self-esteem way. It needs to be reminded that just because someone else is great, it doesn’t mean that we aren’t valued and good. The Ego needs to know that we have worth just inherently – we don’t have to earn it.
When the Kid is feeling safe, loved, and accepted, the Ego is feeling valued, respected, and full of worth, then we can form a deeper connection and we can start meeting the needs of the Spiritual Self. In this higher space, we can share, learn, and grow and accomplish great things.
At any time when you are meeting the needs of all 3 parts of your psyche, you become whole and something magical is taking place.
