The image for today’s blog is my own hand drawn image. You can see my budding artistic ability showing through here. Okay, so I’m probably not going to win any prizes for this one. However, this image shows one reason why we feel alone.
In case you can’t see it, the image depicts two icebergs. At the tip of each iceberg, above the water, is a talking head. The people on the icebergs are talking to each other.
The image shows what usually is happening when people talk to each other. They talk to each other about what’s going on on the surface. They only address things that are seen above the water.
In real conversations, we talk about light conversations such as sports, the weather, current events, and what’s for dinner. If we get a little deeper, we’ll talk about people and our frustrations. Then when we respond, we usually respond to the words that were said. This is all the easily visible surface stuff that’s going on around us.
As you may have heard, rough speaking, about 90% of an iceberg is under water. Similarly, what we say and share is usually a small percentage of what’s really going on with us.
We feel alone because others are usually getting only 10% of what’s going on with us. We feel that people don’t get us, because they actually aren’t perceiving very much of us at all.
We can be in the middle of lots of friends and still feel disconnected and alone.
To feel connected with others, we want to feel heard, acknowledged, accepted, and loved. The problem is that we don’t talk about the 90% that’s below the surface.
So how do we connect?
Occasionally you’ll encounter a really high functioning person who is good at getting below the surface and talking about the deeper things. However, most people haven’t been taught this. So, it’s up to you.
Self Mastery
The first step is to start sharing vulnerably. This means you start sharing things that you usually hide. Test the waters with certain groups and people to make sure it’s a safe place to share. I’ve found that it’s not great to share vulnerably everywhere. But there are many places where it’s actually beneficial, as scary as that may seem.
Share your feelings as well. I know for us guys, this is tough. But you won’t feel like people get you, until you share your feelings with someone. Share your feelings responsibly. Don’t blame others for your feelings. Instead of, “He made me feel …,” say, “This happened and I feel …”
Also share your hopes, dreams and fears. These are all part of the 90% that people never see and why you feel like people don’t get you. How can people get you, when they don’t know your fears, frustrations, triumphs, mess-ups, hopes and dreams?
Influencer
Once you are comfortable being vulnerable and sharing more of that 90% below the surface, you will provide a safe place for others to do the same with you. Just by being a safe person, some will automatically start to share of themselves too.
Sometimes, though, others will need a little coaxing. Here is where skill can be developed. You can start to ask about and reflect back to the person about the things they didn’t say. You can respond to their body language. What tone did they use? What words did these choose?
Don’t assume you read it right. Ask for confirmation. Say something like, “It looks like you’re feeling sad about this. Is that right?” Or you might say, “I wonder, are you’re feeling really vulnerable right now?”
You can even go deeper by getting them to share more. You can say, “Tell me more about that.” Another example might be, “It looks like you’re angry. I wonder if you are also feeling hurt. Tell me more about that.”
With these types of probing questions, you can help the other person share more deeply with you. As a result, they will feel like you get them.
Two tricks are:
- You must share first for them to feel safe.
- You must be comfortable with your own 90%
When you aren’t comfortable with your own vulnerabilities and feelings, you will be uncomfortable when others share theirs. You may even subconsciously cut short the conversation to avoid the discomfort, as you aren’t willing to go there.
If you’ve been feeling disconnected and alone, hopefully this will help you get starting connecting more deeply with people.
