We are all engaged in self-deception to some degree or another. This is because we have a deep need. Most of us are not even aware of it. This thing we deeply need is justification.
We subconsciously work to justify ourselves and most of us don’t even know that it’s happening. The crux of this is that we need to see ourself as being good, and being right. Here are a few ways this shows up.
Not Admitting Imperfection
Have you encountered someone who says they’re not perfect, but will never own up to having struggles or doing anything wrong? I’ve done this, and I have to actively work against it so that I can be more authentic with people. Maybe, if you were honest with yourself, you too would identify with this.
This sort of person always says that things are good. “I’m good. My job is good. My marriage is good. Life is good.” Others can see it plainly on the outside that it’s not great. They’re living an unfulfilled life of quiet desperation, but, you know, “life’s good.” This person probably is unaware of all this and is experiencing self-deception.
This sort of person lives with a persona of perfectness. What is put out there is what they think everyone else wants to see. Everything not perfect is hidden away. And as a result this type of person comes off as nice, but not really fully there. If this is you, you’ll likely experience struggle in having deep connected relationships.
A big problem when we can never admit our struggles is that we are never open to receiving support and help. We get to stay stuck in our struggle. Our life may not be bad, but it can never be great either.
We Betray Friends and Family
It goes like this: First we betray ourself. We do something that we’re not proud of – maybe even a little ashamed of. It doesn’t matter what, really. Maybe we broke something in a friend’s house and put it back without telling them.
Second we subconsciously work to justify ourself. How can we justify our action? We need to see ourself as good and being right. What we did wasn’t good or right, so we justify it by coming up with a story that makes it seem like our friend deserved what he got. We think about all the negative things our friend has done. We tell ourself that our friend is a no-good lazy, bum. He shouldn’t have put that item there in the first place where it could get broken. He just doesn’t pay attention to the details. See? It’s his fault. He got what he deserved. This will teach him to pay more attention and take better care of his things.
This creates a wedge in the relationship, and can become a recurring issue. The pattern can even continue to the point where we are provoking in our friend the behavior that we don’t like, just so we can justify the way we are treating them.
In this example, we are experiencing self-deception. We are telling ourself that the other person is the problem, but it’s not true. Our need for justification is the problem.
Our Impact is Diminished
When we talk to people about making a big impact in the world, people can’t admit to themselves that maybe in this area they’re not doing so great. They need to see themselves as good and being right. So, we hear things like:
- “My impact is great because I’m selling insurance.”
- “My impact is great because I smile at people.”
- “My impact is awesome because I serve at church.”
And right now, you might be wondering what’s wrong with these? The answer is that there’s nothing wrong with these. However, these are small impacts, while these folks are deceiving themselves thinking they’re big impacts – so they can be justified and see themselves as good and right.
Just look at it from the outside. When was the last time someone smiled at you and it rocked your world, you had a clear before and after experience, and you remember the date it happened because that was the day everything changed for you? What? That didn’t happen?
The truth is that smiling is a low impact activity, yet people deceive themselves into thinking it’s a big impact. Does that mean we shouldn’t smile? Certainly not! Smiling is great! It’s just not life changing.
Solution
One solution is to gain more and more reference experiences sharing when you didn’t do good or when you weren’t right, and having no one take advantage of you, ridicule you, or use it against you. You should know that there really are some people who are not safe for sharing this sort of thing. But these people are far fewer than you might think. If you’re pretty sure no one in your world is safe to share authentically, go find some different people to hang out with.
The more you share, the more connected you’ll feel, the more authentic you’ll be, and the less you’ll be stuck in self-deception.
