I was sitting in a meeting with my boss and a co-worker. My co-worker and I were in conflict. What I was hearing from my co-worker was, “I’ll do the real work. You just do whatever as long as you stay out of my way.” In this message I heard that his opinion of me was really low. I was feeling hurt and angry. But in the back of my mind I was thinking back to other cases of apparently unreasonable conflict and I was wondering, “Why does this keep happening?” This wasn’t a question of curiosity. I was in judgement of myself. What I was really asking myself was, “What’s wrong with me?”
Some of the people we hang out with today would probably tell me that I was creating that result in my life. Although I agree with the spirit of this sentiment in not playing the victim, this sounds very harsh to me. I hear in this sort of statement, “What’s wrong with you?”, which to me is hurtful.
Life Curriculum
Our coaches call this recurring pattern, “our life’s curriculum”, which I believe is a much more positive way of looking at it.
If there is a recurring pattern in my life and it feels significant in my life, there’s probably something I need to work on. Alternatively, if there is a recurring pattern but it barely registers in my consciousness, at least for the time being, I don’t have anything related to work on.
For example, people cut me off on the freeway all the time, but I can’t remember the last time it happened. It’s not a big deal. There’s nothing to work on here. Alternatively, I find myself in debates and arguments with people, more with some people than others. I often remember the argument for days after it occurred, and I feel like the relationship is damaged by it. This is something for me to work on. I have been working on it. I have made beautiful progress, but I can clearly see that I’m not done.
Impact
The significant recurring patterns in our life indicate where we need to work on ourself. It may be that we are creating the pattern, or it may be that we need to learn a new response to the pattern. This is an area were we can improve our interpersonal impact on people. Without taking a good look, it’s likely we will be unintentionally negatively affecting those around us whenever the pattern reappears.
Out of these series of deep unresolved conflicts I’ve learned quite a few things:
- Conflict just is. It doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s something wrong with either or both parties.
- Blaming doesn’t fix the problem.
- If someone is reacting strongly, it often means there is something going on in them beyond the current situation that is bringing up such strong emotion.
- If I am reacting strongly, it probably means there is something going on in me beyond the current situation that I get to work on.
- I get triggered by things, so when I see that happening to someone else, I can have compassion on them.
- Forgiveness is a process not an event.
Because of these things that I’ve learned, I am a better person, and those around me are better off too.
What recurring patterns do you see in your life? What is on your life curriculum right now?
