I’ve noticed that there are several approaches to getting our needs, wants and desires in life. I have identified 4 different approaches. And if you pay attention, often you can tell which approach someone is going for. These approaches are:
- I try to get what I get what I want
- I manipulate you to get what I want
- I give you what you want
- I provide you what you need deep down inside
Each of these approaches will influence how we interact with people and it will affect people’s experience of us. More to point, it will affect how we either negatively or positively impact people without us even being aware of it.
I try to get what I get what I want
With this approach, we do what we can to make ourselves happy. Others don’t even enter into the picture, really. We don’t care what happens to other people so long as we are making ourself happy.
With this approach our focus is always on what makes us happy. We don’t think about what will make other people happy. So, we don’t do things for other people. Making other people happy is a nuisance, as it doesn’t do anything for us. So, we make other people happy only if it gives us something we want.
People for the most part are objects to us that give us something we like, hinder us from getting what we want, or are neutral.
I manipulate you to get what I want
With this approach, we manipulate other people into giving us what we want. Just like with the previous one, we see people as objects, but in this case people are objects we can control to some degree.
With this approach we are often thinking about how we can get people to do one thing or another for us. We try to understand people’s motivations so we can use the right leverage. Sometimes we’ll be really nice because that’s the right lever to pull for someone. Other times we’ll try to outsmart or outmaneuver someone so we get a certain result.
Sometimes this approach takes on a more benign face, and it looks like “give to get.” I give to you with strings attached. If I give to you, then you will hopefully, in return, give me back something I like. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll give more and more and more. Often with this face of manipulation, we feel like the relationship is one sided where we’re giving more than we’re getting. We feel relationship burn out.
I give you want you want
The first two approaches are all about ourself. Who’s it for? “It’s all about me.” Finally with this 3rd approach, we shift the focus from me to you. With this approach, we give others what they want. And it’s done without strings attached. If there is an expectation that we’ll receive in return, then we’re really back in manipulation territory. Here it finally looks like real love.
On the receiving side of this, it feels great. We are receiving from the other person, and we feel genuinely cared for.
With this approach people are not objects. They are people with needs, hopes and dreams just like everyone else. And we take an interest in people because people are special and interesting.
I provide you what you need deep down inside
This last approach really takes other-focus to a new level. With this approach, we don’t give people what they say they want. Instead, we listen for the deeper messages from the person. These messages come in the form of body language, or in the choice of words. In this case, we are in tune with them at a deeper level, and we know, for example, they don’t need to be left alone, but rather they need someone who will listen without judgment.
What is really special about this last approach is that while we are providing a deeper connection and love with other people, it turns out that we need the deeper connection just as much as they do. So, while it’s for them, it’s also for us.
Who’s it for? Well, we get to chose. Do we want to make our life all about ourself, or do we want to make it all about other people? It turns out that when make it the most about other people, it ends up being for us too, in a way that satisfies us the most.
When you discover and live your calling where you are focusing on transforming other people’s lives, you will discover that you are living the most vibrant, fulfilling and deeply satisfying life that you can.
