The most common expression of victim thinking is “I have to… .” It permeates our speech and our writing. It’s everywhere. We use it without even really thinking about what it means.
What “I have to…” Really Means
There are several underlying assumptions behind this victim thinking.
1. “I have no other choice.”
When we say we have to do something, we are implying there are no other options available. That statement is a lie. We always have a choice. sometimes we aren’t aware of any other options, but if we look, we will find them. Sometimes the options we find are no better than the originally-assumed “have-to” but to be honest, we must admit there are always other options.
2. “I’m not responsible.”
When we say we have to do something, we are surrendering our personal responsibility. Because we had no other choice, we cannot be responsible for our actions or lack of action.
3. “It’s not my fault.”
Finally, another handy aspect of surrendering our responsibility is that we cannot be blamed for anything. If, for example, we weren’t on time, we can just say, “I had to take out the trash before I left.” Getting blamed for stuff is never fun. So we can use that simple little phrase to potentially avoid getting in trouble.
The Cost of “I have to…”
The biggest drawback to saying, “I have too…” is that we become victims of life. We hop out of the driver’s seat and let life happen to us. That’s a hefty price to pay for dodging some responsibility.
The Alternative is “I choose…”
I once participated in an exercise where we had to describe our morning routine by prefacing every statement with “I have to… .” Mine went something like: “I have to wake up when the radio comes on then I have to listen to the morning show for a little while. Then I have to get up and I have to go to the bathroom. Then I have to wash my face and brush my teeth.” On and on it went. It was obviously just ridiculous! I could see that I had choice every step of the way.
Upon further examination, it became very clear to me that everything in my life is a choice. It’s really easy to want to say “I have too…” but when I look at all the aspects of my life, now all I see is choice.
What Choice Looks Like in My Life Today
- I choose to learn Braille so I can present gracefully to groups
- I choose to attend my Braille classe twice a week.
- I choose to use public transit to get there which takes two hours each way.
- I choose to use some of my commute time to study and practice Braille.
- I choose not to ask John for a ride because I’d rather have him use that time for Simply Great Lives.
- I choose to not complain about it because it’s all my choice.
I want you to be empowered in life instead of living like a victim. I challenge you to become aware of any of your own victim thinking. Become aware of times when you say “I have to…” and make the effort to start saying “I choose…” instead.
Great post, Rena, thank you! I wanted to add that, in addition to “I choose” alternative, I often use “I get to”. For example, when I was accepted to the law school after months of hard work, studying, and dedication, I was so happy that I “get to” go to law school. After a couple of months and right before the first finals my thinking switched to “I have to” study for the finals, I “have to” sacrifice my free time, etc. At that point, I have forgotten about the excitement and joy I had just a few months ago,… Read more »
Great comments Elena,
I agree. Changing “I have to ..” into “I get to ..” makes a pretty big difference.
Thanks for sharing.