When I was growing up I received the message that in order to be accepted I had to be smart and I had to be right. This meant that everywhere I went, I had to prove to you that I was smart. I could never be wrong because that would make me dumb, and in my world dumb people are labelled as bozos. So everywhere I went, I put on my poser self – the self that I needed to present so that you would like me.
I think this approach to life is very common. We often get “squelched” as kids growing up. We hear messages from our parents and our peers. We have experiences that give us powerful messages about how life works. So, pretty much everyone has a poser-self that they portray often. We try to appear smart, invisible, less than others, perfect, or strong, among others, so that we will be accepted, safe, and liked.
In addition to my poser self, I had made my life all about me. Like everyone else, I also grew up in the normal world, and I learned that people won’t look out for me. So, I needed to look out for me. I needed to make sure I got what I felt I deserved out of life. My life was ingrown.
I had come to a place where I hid myself from the world and made my life all about me.
This stance in life has two problems. First, the problem with presenting our poser-self everywhere is we appear, well, as posers. And our poser self doesn’t engender trust. Trust is the grease that makes all relationships flow. If we want that promotion at work, our boss has to feel like we can be trusted. Most buying decisions really are all about trust. So trust is needed if want our clients and customers to buy from us. People won’t follow our leadership if they don’t trust us.
The second problem, with focusing primarily on ourself, is that living this way isn’t very satisfying. The good feeling from getting more for me only lasts a short while. Then I have to do it again. It is never enough. I can never have a big enough house, a cool enough car, or a good enough gadget. Instead, I’ve learned that living with a focus on others is much more satisfying.
The two key qualities I’m talking about today are: Authenticity and Other-focused. Highly successful people have these qualities show up together. If we are authentic but not other-focused, we can just come across as jerks. If we are other-focused but not authentic, we can come across as a sort of scam artist or a manipulator.
Greater success comes when we show ourself more fully to the world and make our life all about others. This is the opposite of how I was living before.
When we a take on these qualities as our own, we will:
- Be willing to share our faults and struggles with others
- Admit when we’re wrong
- Give others our attention and listen better
- Be more attentive and empathetic
When people feel like they get “a breath of fresh air” when they are around us, possibilities just open up.
If you liked this message, you can get more like it in our new book, Splash! Increase Your Life’s Impact. You can get it here, or on Amazon.
