“He’s here talking because he just wants to sell his books.” I’ve heard this a few times. I have heard this when I was sharing my story with people and I mentioned that I have books for sale. I hear this sort of feedback when I’m not paying attention to the third law of influence.
If you missed reading about the first and second laws of influence or would like a quick refresher, you can look at them here and here.
The third law of influence states that to influence someone, they must know that the change is out of love and concern for them. Another way to put it, is this:
Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.
– Theodore Roosevelt
Have you ever had a friend suggest something crazy to you, but because it was your friend, you did it anyway? I have. Sometimes influence can happen solely on the strength of the relationship.
When people know that there is love and concern for them, they are much more likely to listen and be open to your influence. On the other hand, when there is a sense that the change you’re inviting them into is just for your benefit, they will balk at it – even if they will benefit from the change too.
There was a study in the form of a game done about behavioral economics by Daniel Kahneman. The game goes like this. You are given ten dollars and the only requirement is that you give some of it away. If you give some of it away, and the other person accepts it, you and other person gets to keep the money. But if the other person rejects the offer, you both lose all of it.
In the study, when people offered the other 5 or 4 dollars, the person accepted it. But when people offered two or fewer dollars (keeping the other eight), the other person rejected it – even though they lose the dollar or two. It’s in their best interest to accept even the low offer, but because the benefit was too lopsided between the parties, they rejected it.
When people think that the change you are inviting them to benefits primarily you, they reject it. When the change is out of concern for them, they are much more open.
Now when I share my story and tell them I have books, I tell them that I don’t want them to buy a book unless they really want to read it. I don’t want them to by a book for me. I only want them to buy the book if it’s for them. And I no longer get people complaining that I just wanted to sell some books.
