Can you spot the lie in Facebook’s choices given for an event? They changed it recently. The choices use to be “Going, Interested, Can’t Go.” Even the new set of choices, which are “Interested, Going, Ignore,” skirts the real issue. Can you spot the truth that Facebook is avoiding?
The Lie Is in The “Can’t Go” Answer
Of course, it’s not just Facebook. It’s all over the place. We ask, someone, “Hey, we’re having a game night. Want to come?” and the answer often is “Oh, I can’t.” It’s as if we’re saying, “I’d really like to go, but Aunt Bertha has a gun, a shovel, and a big backyard that she’s not afraid to use on me if I don’t go to this other thing – I really can’t go.”
In just about every case, “Can’t go” is a big fat lie. In truth we could go but we are choosing to do something else at that time instead. But we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, so we say, “Uh, Aunt Bertha is making me do something else.” We “pass the buck” of our decision onto someone or something else.
So What’s the Big Deal?
When we say, “I can’t go,” we’re coming from a victim mindset. Our language seeps into our thought process. It changes the way we feel about ourself, and it limits what we see as possible.
We tell ourself over and over things like:
- Can’t go, I have work.
- Can’t go, I have a honey-do list
- Can’t go, I have to visit the outlaws
- Can’t go, (fill in the blank)
Then when it comes time to engage in something really important, we have this thought track playing in our head, “I can’t go because, uh um, I don’t know, I just can’t go. It’s out of my control.” And we miss really significant opportunities.
If you look back over that list of “can’t goes,” how does it feel to you? Doesn’t it feel really contracted and constraining – like we aren’t in control of our life?
What if the list looked like this instead:
- This time I’m choosing to work instead.
- This time I’m choosing to love on my spouse and work on the honey-do list.
- This time I’m spending time with my outlaws.
- This time I’m choosing (fill in the blank)
How does this new list feel? Doesn’t it feel more truthful? And doesn’t it also feel more freeing and expansive with possibility – like maybe next time could actually chose to play soccer with our kid instead of going to work?
At Simply Great Lives, we encourage people to use more responsible language. We believe it’s more truthful, and brings people into a place of choice rather than playing the victim.
Where are you using the word “can’t” when, instead, you could be using the word “chose”?
