When I grew up I was not taught how to feel. That might sound weird, but it’s true. I was taught that expressing emotions is bad. If I was angry, it wasn’t OK. I was taught, through others’ responses, that if I felt something, unless it was happiness, I better get rid of the feeling quickly.
Fear is something that was ridiculed. Fears are phobias, and a phobia is type of mild psychosis – or so I was told. So how could I ever admit I felt afraid. I’m not crazy.
In some of the places where I worked, if there was a disagreement and one party could provoke the other to emotion, they “won” the debate. Now that I look back on it, it’s kinda twisted.
So for a long time, I thought that emotion was weakness. I always did my best to make sure emotions never showed up on my face.
Maybe you can relate. Many of us are told things like, “big boys/girls don’t cry.” If we do cry, people try to make it better right away because our crying makes them feel uncomfortable. Often If we are angry, we are reprimanded. If we express fear, we are told to “man up,” or “put on our big boy pants.”
Not Great
Instead of learning how to experience feelings, a whole lot of us have been taught to “step over”, ignore, repress, stuff or hide our feelings.
One of our coaches, George P Kansas, gave us this great quote last week (thanks, GPK!):
“A man who doesn’t feel feelings will inflict them on others.”
There are consequences when we don’t feel emotions. We inadvertently lash out on innocent parties. Or we become emotionless and withhold love from those who need it.
When we try to stuff or avoid our feelings, they grip us even harder. Instead of just letting the emotions flow through, emotions hijack us. They control us – especially when we don’t acknowledge them.
When we refuse to acknowledge and recognize emotions in ourselves, we have a hard time recognizing them in others. Our connection to others diminishes.
At the very least, we miss out on the full human experience and the full range of emotions.
How To Feel
I’m working on feeling more. I’ve been taught to avoid emotions for so long, that feeling emotions is not instinctual. I have to change my habits. Here is what I’m learning:
- Emotions aren’t good or bad. They just are. We don’t need to be afraid of them.
- Emotions in themselves don’t imply or mean anything.
- Emotions won’t last forever. We really don’t need to worry that it won’t stop if we let out that first tear. It will stop eventually. And it’s OK if it goes on for a while.
- We can just experience the emotion in the moment and let it take it’s course. We don’t need to force it to look a certain way. If we don’t try to force it, it usually passes through faster, and it doesn’t grip us the same way it does when we resist it.
- We usually regret reacting in our emotion, so feel first then act later. Lashing out doesn’t make anger go away. Running away doesn’t make sadness or embarrassment go away. Just experience the emotion. You can choose to do something or not after it passes.
- Don’t worry if you can’t exactly identify the emotion. You might be experiencing more than one emotion at the same time. It might be complex. For example, you might experience sadness, fear, and anger all at the same time, and the best you can do is to notice that you are feeling.
In my experience, learning to feel is more of a letting go than a taking action. When I start to feel, if I am aware and present, I tell myself that it’s OK. Then I just let the emotion flow. I experience the emotion. I name it if I can. And after a bit, it fades.
What about you? Are you a “let it all out there”, feeling person, or have you been taught to avoid or hide feelings?
