In my life, I have had an undercurrent – a mode of operation if you will. In this undercurrent was a drive to never be swindled or taken advantage of, and at the same time get out of every situation as much as I was due and more. I thought this was a prudent approach. I was living to get. I now know that this approach is not great.
What happens in our relationships if we’re approaching them from a “living to get” mindset? What happens in our workplace when we’re living to get? What happens when we negotiate deals from a “get” attitude?
The Experience
When I’m living to get, I have a constant low level scheme and manipulation thought process occupying my mind. I keep wondering things like: “If I do this or say that, will that get me what I want? If I say nothing about this, will they let it slide and accidentally give me more than they promised? If I say this even when I’m doing that, will they believe me and let it go?”
What I have found is that a “get for me” undercurrent leaks out. People sense it no matter how hard I try to hide it and even if I’m not consciously aware of it. Others put up their guard. How can they trust me if I don’t appear to have their best interest at heart? Then I go around wondering why people are so guarded and distant from me? What’s wrong with those people?
When I’m living to get for me and leave open the possibility that it might be to your detriment, it affects you. You respond to me differently, which in turn affects me and my mood. It colors my experience of people and the world. It affects trust and diminishes what’s possible.
The Shift
Usually I need someone else to uncover the twisted up places inside me, but this time it came to me one day when I had backed lightly into a car in a tight parking lot. It didn’t look too bad at first glance, so I just left. Then I spent the rest of the day worried about it. And in the midst of this, I asked myself, “Why had I responded the way I did?” And that’s when I realized I was living to get.
Now I endeavor to live to give instead. Just to be clear, this is not about being a door mat or giving people a blank check. Good boundaries are healthy for everyone involved.
The Benefits
I have given up attempting to get or even wanting to get more than is normal and reasonable in any situation. It’s very freeing. For one, I don’t need to waste mental energy wondering how I can manipulate the situation. I can think about other things. I can focus more on the people around me.
Living to give changes how I show up. And even if people can’t exactly point out what’s different, they sense it. I had someone say to me a bit ago, that I have this Zen thing going on about me. No one ever said that about me before. And now new possibilities are opening up.
This is all just an example of the benefits of working on yourself. People invest in their houses. They’ll trick out their cars. But common people don’t invest in themselves. But you don’t have to be common. Instead, be uncommon.
