A lot of folks these days are into doing good. I like this focus, and I have a simple tool to help take this sort of activity from good to really awesome.
All we have to do is complete this sentence:
“If I really loved this person, I would …”
Before we dive into this, I have to add a few words of caution. You might be tempted to use this “love tool” as an excuse to play martyr and put yourself in need or in harms way to express love for this someone. This isn’t what this tool is about. When you damage yourself to help someone else, you take yourself out of the game and decrease your ability to help others in the future. This isn’t a good path to take.
You might also be tempted to use this tool to beat yourself up and say, “Well, I guess I don’t really love people.” This also isn’t what this tool is about. This tool isn’t helpful if all you do is give up.
This tool is meant to create a gap between where we are now and where we want to be. It is meant to check our underlying motivations and the results we are producing now so that we can make a shift in what we’re doing or how we are doing it.
Let’s jump into an example.
Suppose I am volunteering at the local soup kitchen. This sounds pretty good. But this can look a lot of different ways. Suppose I help prepare the soup and I never interact with the folks I am serving. So I start the sentence, “If I really loved these people I would …” and perhaps I fill in: “talk to these people.”
A number of things might be revealed. First perhaps I might uncover that I am afraid that those people are just regular people like me. And it might be a little scary to think that maybe there’s nothing special about me that keeps me from needing to visit the soup kitchen someday. Instead of operating out of love, I’ve been operating out of fear.
I might also uncover that up until now, I’ve been helping at the soup kitchen primarily for me. When I help at the soup kitchen, I get to pat myself on the back and think, “I am awesome!” It’s all about me.
Finally this might uncover that I can take my effectiveness to a whole new level. Maybe as a result of this question, I get out and interact with the homeless every time they come in. And I discover that through this connection, I inspire some of them to transform their lives. Woah! That’s sure a different result from before.
This tool can work anywhere in any relationship – at work, at home, at the mall, with our family, friends, and co-workers, and even with ourself. Just complete the sentence:
“If I really loved this person, I would …”
and see what happens.
