How many times have we heard someone say something like, “He makes me so angry”? I hear phrases like this frequently, but is it really true?
Emotional Responsibility
It may be true that the other person does something and in response I feel a certain way. But saying something like, “He makes me so angry,” is not taking responsibility for my emotions
It puts all the blame on the other person. It’s their fault that I feel this way. If I am navigating the world by blaming or attributing others for my emotions, my emotional state is completely at the mercy of what other people say or do.
It makes me powerless. If the other person is responsible for my feelings, then I must wait for them to fix the problem – to make me feel better. I become an emotional victim.
The truth is that when I have an emotional response, a large part of it comes from past experiences and things going on inside. Another person can be in the exact same position, an not experience the same emotions. We all have the same emotions, but in any given event, I may be experiencing one set of emotions and you might be experiencing another.
This doesn’t mean that the emotions are invalid or that they shouldn’t be. The emotions are just what they are. We can acknowledge them, experience them, and they will fade eventually.
When in Relationships
When in relationship with someone, it rarely helps to put your emotions on them with something like, “You make me so mad.” People often don’t respond well to being blamed, even for emotions.
I’ve found that anger, in particular, often is a response to another set of emotions. Rarely does anger show up all by itself. It, more often than not, is a response to fear. We’re afraid that what the person said or did means we’ll be neglected, not valued, unappreciated, or not cared for, to name a few.
When in relationship, it’s far better to share the underlying feelings than to heap anger on them. It’s better to be vulnerable and share that I’m feeling sad, or afraid, or raw, without blaming. Sharing these kinds of feelings usually creates connection, where anger often diminishes connection.
Of course, it depends a whole lot on the relationship. If you are the manager, teacher, leader person, it’s not always beneficial to share these types of emotions. In this case, just acknowledge the feelings to yourself, and later share them with someone else if that would help.
So, next time you find yourself blaming someone else for your emotions, take a step back. Take responsibility for your emotions, and then see if you can uncover what’s really going on inside.
