Helping people have better relationships isn’t our main gig here. At Simply Great Lives, we normally focus on helping people have a bigger impact in the world. But as it turns out, it’s hard to have a big impact in the world if you have poor relationships. So here are two turbo charged relationship boosters. If you master these, your relationships will skyrocket. Try them out and see if I’m wrong.
Don’t Be Right
I grew up thinking that I had to be right to be acceptable. I took it personally. If I was wrong, then there was something wrong with me. Every interaction became a contest with winners and losers. If they were right, I lost. If I proved to be right, I won. I had to scrutinize all the content of the conversation and correct it. No false information was allowed.
This is a challenge for a lot of you out there too. I know because I interact with a lot of you and I see it. Some of you will retort, “It takes one to know one,” to which I say, “Exactly, and I find that it doesn’t work. It really doesn’t make anyone feel better.”
Here’s the problem. This behavior belittles people. When we prove ourselves to be right, all the time, the other people feel diminished. They don’t feel supported, loved, and encouraged. Most people who experience us this way, leave feeling worse. People don’t like being constantly challenged and corrected.
Instead, look for the heart of what they mean rather than the specific words they are choosing. Ask questions to help them clarify what they mean. Use the phrase, “Help me understand.” And sometimes, just let the falsehood go by without challenge. Often, the issue really isn’t that important and certainly not worth the damage to the relationship to bring up.
Change the conversation from events, people, and facts, to one of sharing fears, dreams and aspirations. Affirm the other person. You won’t lose “the contest” if you do this. Disengage from “the contest”, and just connect.
Be Vulnerable
This issue has been an even bigger challenge for me than the first one. Both issues are related in that they’re both created by a deep need to be loved and accepted. I need to appear like I have it together, or people will think I’m a bozo. My fear is that people will withhold respect. People will have a negative judgement of me. They may even avoid me. They will ostracize me and I’ll be all alone.
This, too, is a big challenge for a lot of you out there. We wear these masks. We try to appear a certain way so people will like us. This includes hiding negative things from people. If you agree that everybody makes mistakes, but you have a hard time remembering the last time you admitted to making a mistake, this is a challenge for you.
The problem is that the mask we wear becomes a barrier between us and others. It’s an emotional prophylactic. Yes, I really did just say that. I want you to realize what a huge problem this is. How can any of us truly feel connected to others if no one really knows the real us? No wonder so many of us feel so lonely even in the midst of telephones, video conferencing, and all the social media. No one truly gets us, when we hide behind our masks.
To counter this, start by sharing little vulnerable things. Share a time when you got it wrong. Share a time when you made a less than great choice. Be selective with whom you share. Some people will not appreciate what you are trying to do.
This isn’t about capping on yourself, always diminishing yourself in front of other people. Rather, this is just about honest sharing. When you find good people and places to be vulnerable, keep stretching your vulnerability a little at a time. Along the way, you will discover that you’re surrounded by people who really get you and accept you anyway. And you’ll find that these relationships are flourishing.
When used together, these two boosters will enhance your relationships more than just about anything else out there. And it will open up amazing possibilities to make a deep, satisfying, and positive impact in the lives of other people.
