I grew up learning a certain style for interpersonal interactions. It was so pervasive that I didn’t even notice it. I thought it was normal, and I didn’t even know there was a different way.
Sometimes it still is the only style of interaction I have with certain people. Sometimes the other person is driving the style, and I struggle to change it, but often I get caught up in it too. At the end of the day, I sometimes reflect back and think, “Arg! I did it again!”
I’m talking about agree/disagree style interactions.
Game-Show Style Interactions
“I agree …”, “I disagree …” It’s as if we have a two “game show” buttons, and any time someone says something, our response is to push one of these buttons. Someone says, “What a lovely day out today.” So we push, BUZZ! “I disagree. What’s so great about it?” Or someone says, “That TV show was really good last night.” So, we push DING DING DING DING!, “I agree. That was great.”
As long as we’re talking about the weather and TV shows, it’s really not too big a deal. But as soon as we share something personal, this style of interaction will cause serious strain on the relationship. For example, I may say, “I’m feeling a little fear about giving this talk.” BUZZZ! “You give talks all the time. Just man up.” Or, “I dream of starting a business.” BUZZZZ! “What do you want to do that for? Don’t you know that 4 out of 5 businesses fail?” Or even, “I had this really great quiet time meditating yesterday,” DING DING DING! “I agree. Everyone should have quiet time.”
Our interactions reduce to giving or taking points with winners and losers. We go through our day receiving buzzes or dings from people as if our goal is to end with a positive balance sheet of points. We, in return, give or take points as we interact with others. With this style, we find ourselves engaged in many arguments and debates. And I don’t know how it is for you, but for me, I can get to where I’m willing to “die on that hill” to defend my honor and be right.
We all want to feel more connected, and have deeper relationships. But this style isn’t helping.
Being With
Perhaps this style of interactions is intellectually stimulating, but this doesn’t let us really connect. The alternative is a completely different approach. Instead, I suggest we just be with people. In this style of interaction, we avoid any type of approval or disapproval language. We stop trying to control the other person. We just ask questions. We listen. We share, and we connect. Here are a few examples:
Me: “What a lovely day today.”
You: “It sounds like things are really going well for you. Tell me about it.”
Me: “Well I just landed a new job, and my cousin is getting married next week. I’m pretty excited. We’re pretty close.”
You: “That’s awesome! Tell me about your cousin.”
…
Here is another:
Me: “I had this really great quiet time yesterday.”
You: “Is this a new thing for you?”
Me: “Oh no. I’ve been doing this for a while.”
You: “What was so amazing about your quiet time yesterday?”
…
Then you can share in return:
You: “I’m glad you had such a great time. I’ve been meditating for several years now. Just the other day, I was meditating on God’s love. It was a powerful experience for me.”
I much prefer just being with people. I’m not so much a fan of the game-show style interactions, though, for me, it is a habit I have to consciously work at to avoid.
Can you see that if you want to deepen your impact, you will want to form deeper levels of trust and connection? If this is a challenge for you, you’ll want to make the effort to stop engaging in game-show interactions.
Let’s toss the points aside and just connect.
