We all have an innate need to be heard and understood. When we feel heard and understood we feel valued and loved. However, we often don’t feel heard and understood. Let’s look at what might be going on.
There are 2 big factors that play a part in our not being heard and understood.
Understand First
The first factor has to do with a principle of reciprocation. In general, we are less inclined to hear and to try to understand others when we ourselves aren’t feeling heard and understood.
When someone feels they haven’t been heard and understood by anyone in quite a while, they aren’t in a space where they can hear and understand others. They need what Stephen Covey calls, “emotional air.” In my experience, a great number of people go throughout their day deprived of this “emotional air.”
To be heard and understood you must first hear and understand the other person.
This isn’t a manipulation. This is done so that the other person can be in a place where they are capable of hearing and understanding.
Be Hearable
The second big factor in being heard and understood is speaking in a way that is hearable. So often, especially online, I see people speaking past each other. No one is hearing, and much of this is due to the fact that what is being said isn’t hearable by the other party.
It is natural to respond to judgement with resistance. We resist a judgmental message by blocking it out, by denying it, or by changing the subject – usually putting it back onto our “attacker.”
Online message boards are filled with phrases like, “If you believe this, then you are dumb”, “You just a <whatever>aphobe”, “You’ve just wasted my time by writing that.”
We interact with people in person by telling them what they should or shouldn’t do, rather than asking questions. We offer uninvited advice. We condemn others for whatever reason like they’re just an object lesson.
We say this kind of stuff and then we wonder why we don’t feel heard or understood.
Many of our efforts to win people over by convincing them of our logic are laced with judgement and harshness. These messages aren’t hearable. And you may have notice it’s doesn’t work.
To be heard and understood you must speak in a way that is hearable.
Note that people will not care how much you know until they know how much you care. Speak with compassion and from a stance of being on their side, and you will be more hearable. If you aren’t sure what to say, go back to principle #1 and ask clarifying questions.
