Image of strict boss shouting at businesswoman through loudspeaker so loudly that her hair being blown by strong wind
Sometimes criticism hurts. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just let it go and not bother us? Just let it roll off like water off a duck’s back. Sometimes criticism stings, sometimes it doesn’t. What’s the difference? And how can we shift something inside us so it doesn’t hurt so bad?
I was reading in my Bible in the book of Proverbs and I came across this interesting verse (26:3): “like a fluttering sparrow or a darting swallow, an unfair curse will not land on it’s intended victim.” I love the imagery here–birds flapping all over the place with nowhere to land. What really caught my attention, though, was the word “Unfair.” It’s a good point. If it’s totally off-base, it won’t really strike a chord.
Then I was in a retreat/seminar last week. My coach mentioned that criticism only hurts when we see at least a glimmer of truth to it. If someone says, “You’re a real jerk,” and we don’t see ourselves as a jerk at all, we won’t be affected by the comment. We’ll respond with something like, “Whatever. That was weird.” But if there is a part of us that sees us as a jerk or is even afraid it might be true, then we start freaking out.
So if you find some criticism that bothers you, use the opportunity to go inside and examine how you are seeing yourself. Is there some truth to the comment? Or are you even just afraid it might be true? Maybe the comment would have been true about you in the past, but you have grown since then. If so, you can acknowledge for yourself that the feedback was belated and no longer accurate and not helpful anymore.
If you see some truth to the criticism, acknowledge to yourself that you also see that thing in yourself. It’s not what you want for now. So it’s an opportunity to make some new choices. Once you recognize what’s there inside you, you can choose something new.
It can look like this:
- I’ve been judgmental in the past. Now I’m in the process of being more loving.
- I used to arrive late a lot. Now I’m in the process of giving myself plenty of time to get where I want to go.
- In the past, I behaved selfishly. Now I’m in the process of being more mindful of the needs of other people.
Notice the blend of truth and grace. You’re recognizing what’s really there even if you don’t like what you see. You’re also giving yourself the opportunity to do something new, to shift something about you. It all starts with a choice, even if it takes time to fully implement the change. It may really be a process. First comes the decision, then come the actions that back it up.
Next time you have an intense emotional response to some criticism, get curious about why it is affecting you so much. Is there some truth to it? Is it time to commit to changing something about yourself? Remember, it’s just feedback. What you choose to do with it is up to you.
