I chose to let go of my guide dog Willa. She went back to the guide dog school three weeks ago and is now settled in again with the family that raised her. Basically, she got an early retirement.
Originally, I chose to get a guide dog because I wanted some help. I had learned an important life lesson: it doesn’t have to be difficult. But there were a couple things that made having her very difficult.
Nobody knew she would be highly allergic to the environment where I live. It started within a week when I brought her home. She had crazy scratching, licking and biting. I was practically beating my head against the wall trying to manage those allergies. I wiped her paws when we came back inside, five days a week I was cleaning one floor or another, I bathed her weekly with a very thorough rinsing, and I washed her bedding weekly.
Then there were the vet trips and bills. An expensive allergy test revealed she was allergic to the food I was feeding her so I changed her to a more expensive allergen free food. A steroid shot and pills relieved her discomfort for 10 days. I took her out extra to relieve her when she was on the steroids to avoid accidents. Despite Benadryl or Claritin, for three weeks it was out of control again. We did that cycle five times and we treated two or three ear infections.
I was extremely stressed. I didn’t even know dogs can have allergies. I was digging my heels in for the ultimate battle. I asked the school if they would pay for immunotherapy. I hadn’t heard back yet and was trying to decide with my family if we would be willing to pay the $600-$900 for approximately two years of treatment. Still, there was no guarantee that it would fix the allergy problem entirely.
Finally, an instructor from the guide dog school ask me a question. Allergies aside, was I getting what I needed out of the relationship with Willa? I was surprised how quickly the answer came out of my mouth. “No.” I had put in so much time, energy and money into managing the allergies that I hadn’t hardly begun to address my concerns about working together as a team.
The truth is I had a very difficult time keeping her on task. Part of her temperament is that she just loves other people and other dogs. In the final interview to match me and my dog, one of the instructors noted that I have an “effervescent personality.” They match the handlers personality with the dogs personality. Which sounds really neat until you start thinking about what it’ll look like to have an “effervescent” guide dog.
Maybe I should have gotten the idea when an instructor referred to her during our training as “a party on a string.” Putting that little party into a harness did not stop her from being a party on the inside. It only made her restrain herself some. But there was always a party just beneath the surface. A couple times she was just so excited that it seemed like she even jeopardized my safety.
I’ve been plagued by self-doubt. Surely there must’ve been a way to make it work or they wouldn’t have commissioned her as a guide dog. Would she have worked fine with somebody else? What could I have done different to better keep her on task? Then again, did the allergies make it too difficult for her to control herself?
Here’s the thing: I’m used to making things work. It’s a part of who I am. “It didn’t work out” just isn’t a part of my normal vocabulary. On the other hand, I need to recognize when forcing something to work is detrimental to me, my family or others, including a sweet little yellow lab named Willa.
On an effort-o-meter scale of 1 to 10, I think most people would’ve stopped at about a six. Not me. I pushed on through to an eight. I assessed what it would take to give it my all, to take it up to a ten. Honestly, it was one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I decided that the price of time, money and energy (including stress on me and my family) would be too high.
So I chose to let go instead of stubbornly hanging on. It would’ve been easier if I and my family hadn’t totally fallen in love with her. Then there was the sadness of letting go of the hope of having that help I’d originally wanted. Yes, it may be possible for me to get another guide dog. That would require three weeks of training away from my family again. But I decided I won’t even consider that possibility until I can think about, talk about, and even write about this experience without crying. I’m not there yet.
There’s a lot of value in finding balance between pushing forward and recognizing when the price for something deeply desired is too high. It’s certainly a challenge for me.
How about you? Have you ever chosen to let go instead of pushing through when the price you’d have to pay is too high?
Aloha, Rena, Thank you for writing so openly and clearly about your experiences with Willa. She is a unique creation of God who shared your lives for many months, yet ultimately all were best-served by having her return to her first home. I do know that the Lord is very close to the broken-hearted, to you. He is experienced beyond our understanding with this loss that you have had. He is for you, your Advocate, at all times and with all your feelings. One trite life comment that causes me to bristle is “don’t ever give up” and “don’t every… Read more »
Melanie, I’ve really appreciated your support through this whole experience. Thanks!
Rena, I’m very sorry to hear of all your challenges with Willa. There’s nothing I can say that would be helpful. I’ll be praying for your emotional healing of this long, difficult situation. I did enjoy reading Splash. It gave me some clarity. I made a lot of notes when I finished. I tend to be very project oriented. But as I pulled back for a more comprehensive view, I was able to see how each thing I do is related to my gifts and passions. And that my time with individuals is more important than accomplishing tasks in a… Read more »
Thanks, Pam, for caring. I’m glad you are doing well with Hasley. I’ve often wondered how the other students from our guide dog class have been doing.